obsessions

2003-12-04T12:16:00.000Z

I haven't posted for a while, nearly a week. It's been a bad week. Several different things, including the lack of a decent nights sleep. I keep meaning to email Becky (the first friend I was obsessed with) but I wonder what to say. I emailed Mandy, so far no reply. But a few private messages and a journal updaye from her, which was alittle encouraging. but I'm angry with her. And cause I'm angry at her I'm angry with myself. It's very confusing.

2003-11-28T10:04:00.000Z

Infections

I get a bit obsessive about infections. Especially since I got my fingers caught up in the conveyer belt at the warehouse. I get an infection in a cut and I go crazy about getting rid of it. With the finger, I would put savalon antiseptic healing cream on the cut and put a plaster on it over night, to try and get some infection out. then I would llet it dry up over the next day. In the end I actually pulled the infected layer completely away. Okay I've got a scar, but I exepected that.

So any cut that is infected gets similar treatment, but with less patience. i put the cream on and the plaster on top and leave it for a couple of hourse, if I can hold on that long. So far it's been about, an hour and I really want to see what I've managed to get out of them. I let it dry then later that day, I'll do it again. Or failing that, try and get the infection out but that rarely works. If I was clever I wouldn't get myself into this mess in the first place, but what can I do?

2003-11-27T17:02:00.000Z

Missing Her

I am lost.

Wandering in cyberspace, lonely and missing her.

Boy do I miss her and I wish her well. But I am crazy enough that I need her to be around, once a day. So she can write me something. Always makes me feel a million times better.

Selfish. God yes, but even I can be selfish sometimes.

Miss you

2003-11-26T14:55:00.000Z

This Girl

Don't really feel like saying much today. Guilt has took over, feel rubbish, she hasn't been around for the past couple of days, hope she's okay. I wrote this a few months ago, about her.

This Girl

I dreamed of a girl
in another world
who would make me smile all week.
In this world, this little girl
was heaven with words
and in her thoughts.
Time had told this girl
to take me from this world
and save me from myself.
I knew this girl
I'd seen her world
but I'd never seen her face.
I'd dreamt these names
of this girl and her world
and it was all so familiar.
I hoped this girl
would take me to her world
take me to heaven out of hell.
I'm sure this girl
will be my world
the only one I ever need.
I know this girl
and her world
even though I've never been there.

r.l.w

2003-11-25T14:07:00.000Z

Step on a crack, break your daddy's back.............

I am on the edge with my not walking on the lines and cracks in the pavement.

It's part of the OCD, at first I thought the lines and cracks in pavements were sucking away my energy. I'd go to work all bouncy and cheerful and by time it was break time, be tired, sleepy and down. I was so sure this theory was right, I tested it, did days not walikg on cracks, and days walking on them. I was convinced.

Then, then I thought that I was being punished for stading on any line or crack. I was having money problems, my dad was getting more harrasing by the hour and I was even more depressed even though I'd had my meds doubled. I thought because I stood on a line, that was the reason Iceland refused my card. That a crack would cause my dad to turn up at my house randomly. I thought that the reason my student loan had been messed up was because somehting, someone, was punishing me for walking in the wrong places. I also found it nice, I liked the symmetry of it, the way I imagined I looked as I walked, missing all the lines.

I pulled myself out of it when I went to see my mum in Wales. I felt safe, comfortable. Happy. I walked on lines, cracks and everything, I walked normally. I still am, to a point, every so often I find myself missing lines, hopping over cracks, walikg on certain squares where I knew my foot fit nicely. It's not that nothing has gone wrong of late, but I ma not convinced I am being punished. And when something big does go wrong, I will be doing it again. I get stuck in a cycle at the beginning, the more I think about it the more I do it and the more I do it the more I think about it.

I am falling into it, but trying to keep my grip.

2003-11-24T16:22:00.000Z

Paranoia

I am paranoid.

A million questions.

No answers.

I am like a switch. So easily turned one way or another. She managed to bring me out a little, think she was genuine, think every word she said to me was meant. That I am special. But am I?

Here I am on the other side again. She tells a lots of people she loves them. That she cares about them. Does she care about us all, love us all? Or is she being polite, showing people she cares, making them feel special when to her they may not.

That's not a nice thought, but welcome to the other side. I love her, she's special to me. She makes me feel special too. Our friendship will be ruined by my paranoia, combined with hers, it'll not be good, unless I can get a hold of this.

I hope she cares. I can't just ask her, that's not right. She could spend hours convincing me but it wouldn't be long before I had convinced myself otherwise.

sigh

2003-11-23T17:39:00.000Z

blarg

I don't know what to do?

I want to help

but I can't.

Hold on.

hold on

I only make it worse.

2003-11-21T12:49:00.000Z

moving on?

I have moved on for a while. I just wanted to clear my head when I stopped going on msn and stopped going to the forum where I met her. I just wanted to clear my head. It's changed a little, like I'm trying to get the obsession out of my head. I think.

I doubt it will owrk, but for now it has. At night when I try to get to sleep, I don't think about living in her town, across the road from her. I haven't created that little world in my head now for a little while.

At the moment it's Sam Carter from SG-1. Back in my head, as part of my strange fantasy, trying to get to sleep world. Her and Jack O'Neill and that ship reletionship and Daniel Jackson. Does this make me feel better. A little. Better than htinking about a girl I've never met and never will meet.

2003-11-21T12:25:00.000Z

My Best Friend

I wrote this not too long ago about Becky, remembering the way I felt about her and was about her.

My Best Friend

She is mine,
obsessed with her for too long a time,
not that she would ever know,
my best friend
I'll never show.
She'll never see all the things I thought,
the words I wrote,
all the times that I sought
her comapany and felt so pleased
that she was willing to talk to me.
People teased at what they saw,
said i would follow her off a cliff
but i would've done a whole lot more,
for my best friend,
my shining light,
she got me through some awful nights,
I tried to tell her so many times,
letters that never got sent,
I listened to her problems
and never bothered her with mine,
until i took the chance to confess my sins
she made me feel like it was fine.
My best friend, she was great
thinking back about all the times that I couldn't wait
to get to school, see her face,
talk about things that didn't matter,
go to her home
sit with her normal family,
so different too everything I knew,
two parents, both at work
always something interesting to do.
My best friend I was obsessed with you,
too ashamed so I'll never tell,
now I can say I'm not so bad
but I still love you and wish you well.

r.l.w

2003-11-18T08:35:00.000Z

She's so beautiful and I've never even see her face.

It's half eight in the morning and I'm avoiding everything and everyone.

She's so beautiful in my dreams. I've dreamt about her three times in all that I remember clearly, not a lot I know but I've been having more nightmares of late.

I get so frustrated when she doesn't email, i went out of my mind when she tried to commit suicide and I don't even live in the same continent. I can't help her.

I am avoiding her. I can't take it, I'm going out of my mind and I don't think I can explain it right now, not so early. I need to have her full attention everyday, all the time I can and she can, I need that.

But I don't have that, she can't have give me that. So I can't have anything.

That makes sense doesn't it?

God she's so beautiful and I've never seen her face.

2003-11-17T11:37:00.000Z

First Obsessions

I guess I should tell you a little about my obsessions. the first one I remember having, seriously was probably with toys and books. Enid Blyton books. i had to have all the Enid Blyton books, all the Famous Five, the Secret Seven, everything. I still have them all too.
Toys were sylvanians and lego, I had soooooo much lego, all sorts. Trains, space ships. They're all with my sister right now.

My first obsessions that did not involve toys was probably The New Adventures Of Superman, you know with Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher. I was about 13/14 yrs old. God I loved that programme, it was great. I loved Dean Cain and I wanted to be Lois Lane. This was to the point that I actually got my hair cut like hers. Not the most succesful hair cut I've ever had, my hair is funny, it's awkward. But it grew out and there are no pictures and hence, no evidence.
I didn't write about Superman, I don't remember doing so. I think that came later. But yeah Superman, a few years later, I was still excited to see Teri Hatcher in Tomorrow Never Dies. It helped I was big on Bond then too. Ahh them were the days. Though, I'm sure I'll still be reasonably excited to see either her or Dean Cain in something today. Such is the way my brain works.

2003-11-14T14:43:00.000Z

Disclaimer

Let's get something straight, I am not a crazy stalker. I have never been even within 50 miles within most people I have been obsessed with, except Becky. Who now lives in Spain. Mandy, lives on the other side of the Atlantic, so she's pretty safe. I'm gonna talk about some of the obsessions I have and have had. I have OCD, my latest thing was to avoid walking on cracks and lines on the pavement. I've overcome that mostly. I still do it now and again. I like the symmetry of it, in the right places. I like symmetry. I like numbers and lists. But yeah, my disclaimer, I'm not a crazy ass stalker.

2003-11-13T12:31:00.000Z

I think I should start to tell you why, what and who.

Why? Cause I need to get the obsessions out in the open.
What? I have many obsessions, to which I will come to.
Who? Call me ob, for now. i'm 21, and female and in England.

2003-11-13T12:29:00.000Z

Welcome