Thursday, December 04, 2003

I haven't posted for a while, nearly a week. It's been a bad week. Several different things, including the lack of a decent nights sleep. I keep meaning to email Becky (the first friend I was obsessed with) but I wonder what to say. I emailed Mandy, so far no reply. But a few private messages and a journal updaye from her, which was alittle encouraging. but I'm angry with her. And cause I'm angry at her I'm angry with myself. It's very confusing.

ob @ 12:16 PM

Friday, November 28, 2003

Infections

I get a bit obsessive about infections. Especially since I got my fingers caught up in the conveyer belt at the warehouse. I get an infection in a cut and I go crazy about getting rid of it. With the finger, I would put savalon antiseptic healing cream on the cut and put a plaster on it over night, to try and get some infection out. then I would llet it dry up over the next day. In the end I actually pulled the infected layer completely away. Okay I've got a scar, but I exepected that.

So any cut that is infected gets similar treatment, but with less patience. i put the cream on and the plaster on top and leave it for a couple of hourse, if I can hold on that long. So far it's been about, an hour and I really want to see what I've managed to get out of them. I let it dry then later that day, I'll do it again. Or failing that, try and get the infection out but that rarely works. If I was clever I wouldn't get myself into this mess in the first place, but what can I do?



ob @ 10:04 AM

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Missing Her


I am lost.


Wandering in cyberspace, lonely and missing her.


Boy do I miss her and I wish her well. But I am crazy enough that I need her to be around, once a day. So she can write me something. Always makes me feel a million times better.


Selfish. God yes, but even I can be selfish sometimes.


Miss you



ob @ 5:02 PM

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

This Girl


Don't really feel like saying much today. Guilt has took over, feel rubbish, she hasn't been around for the past couple of days, hope she's okay. I wrote this a few months ago, about her.

This Girl

I dreamed of a girl
in another world
who would make me smile all week.
In this world, this little girl
was heaven with words
and in her thoughts.
Time had told this girl
to take me from this world
and save me from myself.
I knew this girl
I'd seen her world
but I'd never seen her face.
I'd dreamt these names
of this girl and her world
and it was all so familiar.
I hoped this girl
would take me to her world
take me to heaven out of hell.
I'm sure this girl
will be my world
the only one I ever need.
I know this girl
and her world
even though I've never been there.

r.l.w


ob @ 2:55 PM

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Step on a crack, break your daddy's back.............

I am on the edge with my not walking on the lines and cracks in the pavement.

It's part of the OCD, at first I thought the lines and cracks in pavements were sucking away my energy. I'd go to work all bouncy and cheerful and by time it was break time, be tired, sleepy and down. I was so sure this theory was right, I tested it, did days not walikg on cracks, and days walking on them. I was convinced.

Then, then I thought that I was being punished for stading on any line or crack. I was having money problems, my dad was getting more harrasing by the hour and I was even more depressed even though I'd had my meds doubled. I thought because I stood on a line, that was the reason Iceland refused my card. That a crack would cause my dad to turn up at my house randomly. I thought that the reason my student loan had been messed up was because somehting, someone, was punishing me for walking in the wrong places. I also found it nice, I liked the symmetry of it, the way I imagined I looked as I walked, missing all the lines.

I pulled myself out of it when I went to see my mum in Wales. I felt safe, comfortable. Happy. I walked on lines, cracks and everything, I walked normally. I still am, to a point, every so often I find myself missing lines, hopping over cracks, walikg on certain squares where I knew my foot fit nicely. It's not that nothing has gone wrong of late, but I ma not convinced I am being punished. And when something big does go wrong, I will be doing it again. I get stuck in a cycle at the beginning, the more I think about it the more I do it and the more I do it the more I think about it.

I am falling into it, but trying to keep my grip.

ob @ 2:07 PM

Monday, November 24, 2003

Paranoia

I am paranoid.

A million questions.

No answers.

I am like a switch. So easily turned one way or another. She managed to bring me out a little, think she was genuine, think every word she said to me was meant. That I am special. But am I?

Here I am on the other side again. She tells a lots of people she loves them. That she cares about them. Does she care about us all, love us all? Or is she being polite, showing people she cares, making them feel special when to her they may not.

That's not a nice thought, but welcome to the other side. I love her, she's special to me. She makes me feel special too. Our friendship will be ruined by my paranoia, combined with hers, it'll not be good, unless I can get a hold of this.

I hope she cares. I can't just ask her, that's not right. She could spend hours convincing me but it wouldn't be long before I had convinced myself otherwise.

sigh

ob @ 4:22 PM

Sunday, November 23, 2003

blarg


I don't know what to do?

I want to help

but I can't.


Hold on.

hold on


I only make it worse.



ob @ 5:39 PM